Monday, July 6, 2015
May 26 – June 19 (post dated)
For a long time, things were hazy. I moved in and out of visions, unable to tell what was dream and what was real. Sometimes there were only voices or sounds. I heard a baby wailing at one point. It sounded so weak, more like a kitten mewling than a human voice, but I knew what it was. I dreamed of my baby’s cry, a beautiful noise to be treasured. I wondered if my friends would be able to save her before the It silenced her.
Figures came and went before my faded vision. Oses, Betra, Feru, and Tep. Even Captain Wotref. They were all high above me, like dark and grim angels. The kinds of angels that visited plagues on mankind when God was displeased. I heard my voice screaming for the antidote. Ha. There was no antidote to the It. The organism would kill my unborn daughter now that it had swallowed me. Why wouldn’t they just destroy me? I wasn’t coming back.
I sometimes felt my body. It jerked. It was wracked with pain. My lungs heaved for breath. My heart skipped, unable to maintain its rhythm. I felt these things only dimly, since the It had won everything but the tiny corner I huddled in. They didn’t matter, not to me. Not anymore.
Tep’s voice, booming and far away all at once: “Go back into hibernation. It’s your only hope. Either way, this body will not serve you any longer.”
My trailing scream, uttered by another’s defeated fury. “NO!”
Back to silence and darkness. Only the feeble sensation of ultimate loss. Shattered, unable to defeat the chaos. They would destroy me. My mission had failed. That meant I was not perfect, as I had been intended to be. I was flawed after all, created by the imperfect Maker. As such, I had no place in an orderly universe. No wonder the Bi’isils had sent me away, abandoning me and Other One. They had known what fallible creatures we were. We were not fit to serve them.
There was nothing left but to allow these awful Kalquorians their victory. That I had been thwarted by them, by this incredibly flawed host and her pathetic, weak body ... yes, I was not worthy of the Bi’isil’s perfection. It was too clear now. My only comfort was to die pure, unsullied by one even more defective than me.
I withdrew, going where I no longer had to endure the inadequate world I’d awakened to. I went to where I didn’t have to face my own deficiency, my great inadequacies. Being in the midst of nothing was soothing.
Both parts sharing the same body sank into nothingness, separating as we each fled from our unique pains and losses. We were both grateful to be gone. And for one glorious moment at the end I was just Shalia Monroe again, happy that the It could no longer savage me. I felt horrendous agony as my body returned to me and only me, but that was okay because it was fading already. I was me, and I was falling free into a quiet, painless chasm where there was no fear, no pain, nothing.
After all I’d been through, nothing felt pretty damned good.