Thursday, May 14, 2015
May 19, early
Very little rest last night. The nightmares were awful. I dreamed about the armored creatures again and that I was one of them. Now I know why the exoskeleton on Candy’s arm and chest looked so familiar ... it’s the same armor from my dream.
Which begs the question: how did I dream this armor before I ever saw it on Candy? Is the organism that infected her telepathic? I think that might be the case, because during the dream, I could hear orders in an alien language in my head.
That brings up so many worries I can’t even see straight. Like, did Candy have dreams before the organism took her over? Is this the first sign of infection? But I didn’t go down to the planet where they think she picked this up. Is it airborne then? Does it start off microscopic in size, attach itself to a host, and then grow quickly?
If it is telepathic, why didn’t Candy sense Betra and Oses coming to get her before they were there? Or is the telepathy only between those of the same species? Was Candy able to read my thoughts, or do I have to be infected too? That would make me feel a little better if that is the case ... Candy didn’t seem to read my mind, so maybe that means I’m not infected.
I’ve got a checkup scheduled with Tep this afternoon. I’m going to insist he tests me for this thing even though I didn’t go on shore leave. Sure, I’m probably jumping at shadows, but at least my mind will be settled on this one thing.
I wouldn’t be so panicked except for that damned nightmare. I was still hunting Barinem. In the dream this time, I caught some. I killed them. I felt a savage delight as I sent bodies flying, as blood flowed, as the screams of the dying filled my head. Feeling triumph as I killed others, the pure cold thrill of it all, was the absolute worst part of the dream. How could I be joyful in wreaking such devastation? I felt as if it was what I’d been made for, this monstrous destruction of my weaker enemies, young and old alike.
No mercy. No conscience. Just the need to kill and kill and keep killing until nothing was left. I would have made a lake of the Barinem’s blood and called it wonderful. I have never known anything like this need to murder. It felt exhilarating during the dream. When I woke up, I ran to my bathroom and puked.
I don’t want to be one of those monsters. It was the most inhuman feeling I’ve ever had, completely alien to me.
When Betra stopped by, I didn’t mention the nightmare. He’s got enough to fret about. We worried over Candy, who is showing no change for the better. Tep is knocking himself out to find some way of fighting off the organism. Oses is attending meetings with the ship’s executive and security staff despite being on leave.
“He’s staying informed though not actively involved in working on the issue,” Betra told me. “I think he’s enjoying being back at work in this limited capacity.”
“What does Feru say about it?” I asked.
“After talking to Oses about the matter, Feru is fine with it as things stands. Oses feels useful, he’s not obsessing over you for a change, and they’ve set up a daily check-in to evaluate how he’s coping with the situation on an ongoing basis.” Betra laughed, a small and unhappy sound. “At least something good is coming out of this.”
“Yeah,” I said. “We’ll take what we can get, I suppose.”
“How do you feel about getting together with Oses later? The three of us can have dinner and each other.”
I wasn’t sure how sexy I felt about stuff. In fact, my libido was pretty quiet for a change. Stress over Candy was putting a big damper on things. Still, I thought it would be nice to be with my fellas for a few worry-free hours. Knowing my sex drive, I’d be much more enthusiastic by the time evening rolled around.
“Sure, that sounds great,” I said. “Let’s do that.”