Monday, October 13, 2014
March 29, late
I can’t sleep. It’s my first night back in my room, I’m surrounded by familiar things, Betra took care of my sexual needs earlier today, and I’m beyond exhausted. And yet, I’m afraid to close my eyes.
It’s not that the shadows are bothering me again. When I wrote how safe I felt earlier today, that was true. It still is. There have been no imagined black eyes staring out of corners. No brightly colored waistcoat hems flashing at the corner of my vision. I have no urge to hide in my closet or anywhere else. I really am better where all of that is concerned.
Yet I can feel the nightmares waiting to jump on me the instant I try to settle down. The moment I start that gentle slide into sleep, I’m back on Finiuld’s ship. I hear Oses screaming in pain. I feel the humiliation of being teased and slapped by the Little Creep’s guests. I remember the Earther man’s cries as Oses did what he had to in order to keep me and my unborn child safe. I feel Finiuld’s desperate attempts to escape as I choked him. And then there is the maddened violence of beating Glidas’ brains out.
Too many memories wait for me in sleep. I’m terrified to go there.
At least in Medical when I started whimpering or screaming, an orderly or nurse would be at my side in an instant. If I asked, a staff member would sit by my bed all night, holding my hand so I could feel some sense of security while I slept. Betra also sat with me a couple of nights when he found out I was having trouble with nightmares.
I hate to be needy, but I’m so tired. I need to rest, and eventually I’ll crash no matter how scared I am. The thought of facing those terrors in my head alone is bringing me to tears. I don’t think I can do this. I’m trying to be strong, but it’s too much.
I’m going to com Betra and ask him if I can spend the night with him. Just this one time. I’ll be better tomorrow. The longer I’m home on the transport, the better I will get. I know I will. I just need this one night to adjust.
I just got off the com with Betra. He’s coming to get me and walk me back to his quarters. I feel so much better already, knowing I’ll be with him. The big sweetie didn’t even sound the least bit impatient with me either. I’m sure I woke him up, but he wasn’t cranky at all. He simply said, “I’m on my way to get you, Shalia.” Just like that.
I am so lucky to have him and Oses. Next time I want to bitch about stuff they do, I’ll try to remember that.