Thursday, January 23, 2014

January 12


I just finished recording another message to Dusa, Esak, and Weln.  I managed to even sound cheerful while I did so.  They wouldn’t want to know how much I miss them, how the moment I stopped recording that I broke down and cried because I know they won’t answer this message anymore than they’ve answered the others. 

I told them I’d decided to have the baby.  Then I apologized for having told them I was pregnant at all, knowing it was impossible for them to be the child’s fathers because of the way Kalquorian society is dictated.  I was sorry if I’d hurt them by oversharing the situation.

“Don’t worry about us.  I’ll find a good clan to raise this child with, men who will love it like it’s their own,” I promised.  “I admit, I’m still going to hope it’s yours.  I hope it looks like one of you, so I know I’ll have something precious to keep of the time we shared.”

I took a deep breath at that point, thinking of all the joy I’d had with those three men.  Even the rough times didn’t seem so awful when it came to my first Kalquorian loves.  Dusa bending over me as I lay sick and exhausted in a flowerbed.  Esak’s proud head shaved and showing the scars of the attack that had nearly killed him.  Weln patiently waiting for Mom’s profanity-filled yelling at him to subside.

“Look, I know you think it’s best if we never see each other again,” I told them from too many miles away.  “But at least send word when you leave Earth and get home safely.  Give me that comfort, because you three will always own a piece of my heart.  No man, no clan will ever change that I had something special with you.  If I live five hundred years, those few weeks with you will always remain among the best times of my life.”

I signed off before I could ruin the image of a calm, strong Shalia by becoming whiney, weepy Shalia.  Like I said, it would bother them to hear me cry, and I’ve done enough damage.  I still can’t be grown up enough to hope they find some other nice Earther girl to love them better than I have, but I’m working up to it. 

Who knows, maybe they will come home and want to see me.  Maybe I won’t have found that clan that sweeps me off my feet.  Maybe Clan Dusa and I will discover we’re compatible and we can live happily ever after.

That’s a lot of maybes. 

In the meantime, I have a couple of definite things to keep me from getting in bed and pulling the covers over my head.  There’s Betra to distract me from my shattered dreams.  I have a baby to plan for.  It feels like I live for distractions to keep me from thinking too hard about what I couldn’t keep, what I left behind.  What else can I do, though?  I don’t want to spend the years ahead of me worrying about woulda, coulda, shoulda.  My life is what I’ve made it, for better or worse.  If Clan Dusa is to be a part of it, whether in a large or small way, then hooray!  But if not ... well, it’s stupid to mope my way through, isn’t it?  It’s time to go back into survivor mode.  After all, next to fucking up like no one else, surviving is what I do best.

6 comments:

  1. I don't know if I want them to answer or not at this point.

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  3. awww was kinda hoping for some hot Oses action.

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  4. I still have my hopes that at the very least some kind of arrangement could be made. Where Dusa's clan, could have some place in their child's life. If that is, it proves to be one of theirs,I think the odds are if it is, it would be Welns and again who knows, perhaps she simply will not click with another clan, you never know, as stated the culture is inevitably going to change, if human families can be split and both parents play an active role, why can't the Kalquorians? They are hopefully eventually going to acknowledge, not everything can always be their way, that some cultural compromises will need to be made, Not everything about earths culture was bad. There were some like Jessica's family that did have good values, and did not follow, the ones marred by the fanaticism of the government.

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  5. Finally! Welcome back, Shalia, the Survivor.
    I'm so glad to see her moving on.

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  6. " as stated the culture is inevitably going to change, if human families can be split and both parents play an active role, why can't the Kalquorians? They are hopefully eventually going to acknowledge, not everything can always be their way, that some cultural compromises will need to be made, Not everything about earths culture was bad. There were some like Jessica's family that did have good values, and did not follow, the ones marred by the fanaticism of the government."------------------Exactly!

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