Thursday, December 19, 2013

December 24



It’s Christmas Eve back on Earth.  Some of the women on this ship and our liaisons are trying to put together a celebration for tomorrow.  Not me.  I’m sitting here in my quarters, thinking so hard my head hurts.

I don’t know if I’m in denial over losing Dusa, Esak, and Weln.  I can’t cry anymore though.  I feel loss, but instead of doing my usual, ‘poor Shalia, oh woe is me’ shtick, I’m thinking of how I can make this right.  How I can keep from losing them forever.  Even if we aren’t meant to be a clan, I can’t accept that we are supposed to completely end contact.  Not after all we shared.

I keep wondering if the child I carry can bring them back into my life in the end.  If I have the baby and it looks enough like one of them, I would know for sure then.  I would be able to say, “Yes, this child is the product of my affair with Clan Dusa.”  That’s got to count for something; not just to me but to them as well.  Maybe if I wait for as long as possible, putting off the clans in the lottery Dusa and the others will make it to Kalquor before the two years are up.  It’s not impossible.

And if they don’t make it back in time?  There is still the chance I’d join a clan who wouldn’t be opposed to the biological fathers of my child being a part of his or her life.  I could even make it a condition of the clanning.

Yes, I know what Betra says, what Tep has told me, and how Dusa himself has weighed in on the matter of how Kalquor views the whole parenting thing.  But hey, my feelings have to count for something too, right?  My child has a right to know his real father, if it’s possible – and if that father isn’t Nang.  Sorry kid, but you’re better off not exposed to Mommy’s big mistake.  In the case of Commander Nang, you’re better off doing as Kalquor says.

I simply can’t imagine letting this go as if Clan Dusa had nothing to do with my child.  Even if they didn’t, I want my first sweethearts to play a part in my life.  I want to see them again, in any capacity.  Maybe Dusa was right and we were not meant to be, but it doesn’t mean we never happened.  It doesn’t mean we should never see each other again.

So much to think about.  Certainly way too much to go out and help with the merrymaking plans of tomorrow.  If I know Betra, Candy, and Katrina, someone will be coming to check on me soon.  I need to be busy with something so they won’t bug me to go out and be social.

I think I’ll finish that stupid lottery questionnaire.  That’s so involved that my friends will leave me the hell alone, giving me a chance to wrestle with this issue while I work on it.  Hell, they’ll even be proud of me.  That’s the plan.  That’s exactly what I’ll do.  With any luck, I’ll figure out a way to make this mess right.

16 comments:

  1. All i want as always is a HEA, maybe it will happen? Eventually! I think she should just wait, there's no way they'll send her to one of the colonies with one of their young.

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  2. Tracy you're killing me! You need to stop with the short entries. She needs her boys and they need her and her baby

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  3. Well as said before She loved Dusa's clan, and they love her. Lindsey did not give up, when she was faced with much the same situation. Love is not a feeling that is so easily just shut off. I am not closing my mind to any possibilities, and as usual will be biting my nails until the nest post. Love you Tracy!!

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  4. Okay, I know I am going against everyone else but I would like to see Shalia find a new sexy hot clan that sweeps her off her feet.

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  5. Christmas is a time of wonder and miracles. By the reaction of Dusa, Esak and Weln they are hurting as much as Shalia. Remember love will find a way. As for who Shalia needs. She needs a clan that she can grow with. Clan Dusa are her soul mates.

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  6. Arghhh! One minute (ok, post) she admits she's not the best for them, then when told to let go, clings to them again.
    I second Cmarchese in wishing Shalia to get a new more mature clan, but at the moment this wish is warring with strong inclination to bitch-slap her, sorry everyone who's offended. Stop whining already! An yeah, there are rules and their existence was explained to her. Does she want her child to be wholeheartedly accepted by her new clan or what?

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  8. Okay getting aggravated with the entries...all she does is wine and cry like a baby.grow up already. Move on with the rest of the story

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  9. I AGREE STOP WITH THE WHINING AND GROW UP , SHALIA NEED'S A NEW CLAN

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  10. I hate cliff hangers but I am such fan of Tracy's that I cannot help but anxiously wait for the next entry. :/

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  11. Hey people, give Shalia a break. yes she is being whiny and forlorn, growing up is not the only issue here, look at all she is going threw. aside from having to leave her home, to go to Kalquor, keep in mind, she did so more then anything to help her very sick mother, if that had not been an issue, I have no doubt, she would have stayed with Dusa's clan. But put all that together and then add the fact she is preggers, and given earth women are likely used to the fact most earth men, especially in this story, want no part of another mans child, to a fanatical degree, hearing otherwise, and accepting it is not going to be easy, she is used to earths ways, and more then most knows how bad this normally is, after all she was by her own admission at one time was just as set in her beliefs that the Kalquorians, were evil and the enemy, she helped the government spread all the fanatical propaganda, she was programed just like everyone else, and add even more so, very likely dealing with raging hormonal changes, do to the pregnancy. Everyone is pressuring her to be the one to give up on love, She does not want to,Shalia has come a long way. I for one give her a ton of credit for that. Keep it coming Tracy, am loving it!!

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  12. I just can't wait till tomorrow for the Monday entry. lol I'm on Shalia's side I'd be whining and moping around too.
    Yes, she should look towards the future with a clan on Kalquor but she is pregnant and in love with a clan back on her died planet. Hormones a lone would make a person cry but to be in love too....... come on, give her a break.

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