Thursday, December 19, 2013
It’s Christmas Eve back on Earth. Some of the women on this ship and our liaisons are trying to put together a celebration for tomorrow. Not me. I’m sitting here in my quarters, thinking so hard my head hurts.
I don’t know if I’m in denial over losing Dusa, Esak, and Weln. I can’t cry anymore though. I feel loss, but instead of doing my usual, ‘poor Shalia, oh woe is me’ shtick, I’m thinking of how I can make this right. How I can keep from losing them forever. Even if we aren’t meant to be a clan, I can’t accept that we are supposed to completely end contact. Not after all we shared.
I keep wondering if the child I carry can bring them back into my life in the end. If I have the baby and it looks enough like one of them, I would know for sure then. I would be able to say, “Yes, this child is the product of my affair with Clan Dusa.” That’s got to count for something; not just to me but to them as well. Maybe if I wait for as long as possible, putting off the clans in the lottery Dusa and the others will make it to Kalquor before the two years are up. It’s not impossible.
And if they don’t make it back in time? There is still the chance I’d join a clan who wouldn’t be opposed to the biological fathers of my child being a part of his or her life. I could even make it a condition of the clanning.
Yes, I know what Betra says, what Tep has told me, and how Dusa himself has weighed in on the matter of how Kalquor views the whole parenting thing. But hey, my feelings have to count for something too, right? My child has a right to know his real father, if it’s possible – and if that father isn’t Nang. Sorry kid, but you’re better off not exposed to Mommy’s big mistake. In the case of Commander Nang, you’re better off doing as Kalquor says.
I simply can’t imagine letting this go as if Clan Dusa had nothing to do with my child. Even if they didn’t, I want my first sweethearts to play a part in my life. I want to see them again, in any capacity. Maybe Dusa was right and we were not meant to be, but it doesn’t mean we never happened. It doesn’t mean we should never see each other again.
So much to think about. Certainly way too much to go out and help with the merrymaking plans of tomorrow. If I know Betra, Candy, and Katrina, someone will be coming to check on me soon. I need to be busy with something so they won’t bug me to go out and be social.
I think I’ll finish that stupid lottery questionnaire. That’s so involved that my friends will leave me the hell alone, giving me a chance to wrestle with this issue while I work on it. Hell, they’ll even be proud of me. That’s the plan. That’s exactly what I’ll do. With any luck, I’ll figure out a way to make this mess right.