Monday, November 25, 2013

December 18

I am all over the place right now.  I’m still in shock, I believe.  I can’t get my thoughts to settle down.  My head just keeps thinking and asking questions and worrying and freaking out.  In his messages that I haven’t had the stomach to answer yet, Dad says to take time and come to grips with this.  It seems the longer I go, the more chaotic my brain feels.

Like, who the hell is going to clan me when I’m carrying someone else’s child?  Who would want to raise a kid not their own?  Yes, I know we on Earth adopted kids who lost their parents or were taken from abusive homes.  Do Kalquorians do that?  Are they okay with playing daddies to someone else’s child?  And even if they are, how do their feelings change when their own children come along?

Candy stopped by yesterday to try and console me, as she has every day since I told her the news.  She reminded me, “The Matara complex has a childcare facility.  Obviously, some clans are accepting women with kids, or that wouldn’t be part of the picture.”

“It must be desperate for them to want a ruined woman.”  I was feeling extremely sorry for myself.  Wallowing  in self-pity, to be honest.

“A ruined woman?”  Candy snorted at me in disbelief.  “That’s Earth-talk.  Remember, everyone here has been telling us to get it on with all the men we want so we know what makes us feel good.  Kalquor has to know some of us will end up preggers as much as they encourage us to slut around.”  Her face went beet-red and her eyes went big.  “Oh damn, Shalia, I didn’t mean it to sound like I was calling you a slut.  You know I don’t feel that way.”

My poor-me fest turned angry in a second.  “Really?  Then why are you still a virgin?”

Candy went redder still.  “Because I’m scared.  I want to with all my – well, not heart.  The organs that want me to get over my fears are much lower south.”  She shook her head.  “I keep hearing all those voices.  Seeing all those films they showed us in family planning classes where they tortured those women for having extramarital sex.  I know I’m safe from that now, but I freeze up every time a man starts showing interest.”

I sighed.  I was a bit young to have made the movies Candy saw, but I’d made them for the next generation.  I’d poisoned a lot of minds.

I let the subject drop.  “The responsible thing would be for me to freeze the embryo.  I ought to wait and see what happens before letting a child come into my life.  But how delighted would a potential clan be when I ask to give birth to some other man’s baby?”  I groaned and slapped my hands over my face in despair.  “Fuck.  What am I going to do?”

Candy picked worriedly at her trousers.  “I don’t know.  It’s a big decision, isn’t it?”  She brightened.  “Do you think they let clans with infertile women carry babies that are ... well, I wouldn’t say ‘unwanted’ by their mother.”

“Yes, please don’t say that.  If this child comes from Dusa’s clan, it’s not that I don’t want it.”  I blew out a disgusted noise.  “Even if it’s Nang’s, it’s not the kid’s fault.  I can’t call it unwanted even in that case.”

“Let’s call it ‘inconvenient’ then.”  Candy smiled with her vocabulary solution.

“A surrogate mother who carries, gives birth, and keeps the baby,” I mused.   It had potential, but then I thought of going through the years of my life, thinking about the child I’d made with Clan Dusa (maybe) and missing  out on seeing who he or she looked like.  I’d miss the first smile ... first word ... first steps ... all the important milestones.  Maybe the little critter would grow up to be a big lemanthev star.  I’d lose out on all that.  Something in my heart rebelled against this seemingly easy solution.

“Fuck,” I breathed.  “I need to talk to Dad.  But I don’t know where to start with all the questions I have.  I don’t know what the hell to do.”  I threw one of my slippers across the room.  “Why does everything about my life end up so damned complicated?”

Poor Candy.  She did her best to help me through this labyrinth of

Someone’s at the door, interrupting me.  Maybe it’s the answer fairy come to make everything clear.  Later.


  1. Argh!! How are you so good at these mini cliff hangers Tracy??!! On tenterhooks till Friday (sometimes it sucks being a day ahead)

  2. I am really loving these door interuptions....gets me thinking, Is it Nang or a hot hunky clan. I am another Nang fan, I love his dominance and he is just so edgy. I really hope she finds a new clan....more on the lines of Nang instead of the rather young clan Dusa....waiting on the edge of my seat to see what happens next!

  3. Shalia being upset about being pregnant is silly. Clans will be falling over themselves to be with a sexy Matara with a baby already. I am worried that if it is Nang's, he will try to force her to clan.