Monday, July 29, 2013
If Candy is the ‘Bluebird of Happiness’ then I suppose I would be characterized as the ‘Crow of Despair’. She did her best to lift my spirits yesterday, but it seems I’m the one bringing her down to earth.
I spent the night before with the boys. They pulled a bed in from an unused dorm room and slid it right up against the one already in their room to create enough space for all four of us to share. They made love to me very carefully, very gently. They acted as if they were afraid I’d break apart despite the clean bill of health from my shaken dad. That was fine because I felt emotionally fragile. I knew the strong bodies surrounding mine were not real protection, not against people determined to kill, but I hid in the fantasy anyway.
Morning came much too soon. Dusa and Esak starting working on what they needed to pack to take with them to Atlanta. I couldn’t handle listening to their plans. On top of the explosion, it was just too much.
I made the excuse I wanted to borrow clean clothes from Candy. Despite my ever-present Nobek guard, Weln accompanied me to her dorm building. Maybe he couldn’t stand to watch his clanmates pack either. He left me with Candy, mumbling something about checking in with the daycare bunch though he’s been given time off due to clanning and his clanmates leaving.
Candy acted thrilled to see me. “Get in here! You know what? I’m going to run you a nice, hot bath. You’re going to soak and relax. I’m going to trim your hair ... look at those split ends! Oh, I’m going to do your nails too. When you look good, you feel good, that’s what I say.”
I stood in the middle of her room, so much like the one I’d had. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried. Candy crooned to me, hugging me, and patting my back. “It’s going to be okay,” she reassured me over and over.
I finally finished crying, having run out of the energy to continue to do so. Then, feeling empty and tired, I let Candy take care of me. I was like a life-size doll for her to play with. True to her word, she ran me a bath. I was at least allowed to wash myself, but the rest was all Candy. She trimmed my hair, styled it nicely, filed and buffed my fingernails and toenails, put a little makeup on me, and found pair of trousers and a blouse that fit rather well. Through it all, she kept up her bright chatter, determined to keep me from moping too hard. Little by little I recovered much of myself, though the deeper sadness remains.
She sent me out to have lunch with Mom. Dusa, Esak, and Weln joined us, and we spent much of the afternoon there. Mom made knitting motions with her good hand, and I gently reminded her she needed both hands to knit. It’s just as well that she can’t. All her yarn was lost in the building collapse.
I spent last night with the boys again. This morning, Weln decided we needed to go on a nice picnic, so he and Dusa have gone to the kitchen to get the makings of that while Esak has a checkup in Medical.
Dusa and Esak leave tomorrow. I am fighting with all I have to not waste today in tears. I want to enjoy every last moment we have left. Crying will no doubt come, but it will have to wait.