Thursday, March 14, 2013
September 22 (early)
I can’t sleep. Never mind the guards standing outside my door. You know, there were a lot of weapons left lying around after Armageddon. Who knows who has what out there, ready to use it on me or Mom? Blasters, in particular. If enough people are pissed off at me, they could overwhelm the two Nobeks outside, come in, and kill us before any help could possibly arrive. They may decide to forego the whole torture issue and just get straight to the execution.
Another issue I’m wrestling with is my morality. I never had to worry about that because: a. I didn’t buy into the whole ‘sex outside of marriage will put you in Hell’ mantra; and b. I didn’t like sex anyway, so I wasn’t having it unless it was forced on me.
Well, ‘b’ has been blown right out the window. Now I like sex. Specifically, sex with aliens. Even two at a time! If I hadn’t read about the Israelites having multiple wives, I’d feel worse about it, but it still strikes me as kind of immoral. I guess I’m a product of my society after all. It was great while it was happening, but now I’m kind of questioning it. Am I a bad person for sleeping outside my species? With more than one guy at a time? Oh, and let’s not even get started about the third guy who’s put himself on my radar, Dramok Nang. I’m attracted to him too. He’s different from Dusa and Esak. More mature. A man not interested in just his favorite incredibly loud music, but also things I’m interested in. I get the idea we could have much more intellectual conversations than I can expect from Dusa and Esak. But I really care about my youngsters. They’re so sweet and cute and they do stuff to me that makes my hair stand on end.
I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to hurt them. I have no idea if chasing my fascination with Nang would hurt them. If they’d even care. I’m too afraid to ask.
It’s not like we’ve pledged ourselves to one another. I tell myself that, but it still makes me squirmy to think they’d be hurt or angry or see me as what the Earthers have decided I am: a whore. I’ve got no clue what’s right or wrong in their society. Meanwhile, I’m all too aware of what is wrong in mine. I am playing with fire, and it could get me killed.
Well, enough of me wrestling with my sex demons. I need to get Mom up and moving. Her shuttle will be here soon.